The Lunatic Fringe in the Middle

§ 3:   The Counselor’s Dilemma

The pressures of everyday life are mounting higher with each passing year. The toll on humanity is incalculable, manifesting itself in some of the ugliest ways imaginable. And the victims of this outrageous terror?

Our spirits.

Yes, our very souls are under attack from within and without, plagued by the stresses of life that we create, and just as often, the stresses we don’t. Though we tend to set up many of our own disasters through greed, haste, ignorance, or pride, we don’t plan well for the disasters initiated by others.

The feeling of remorse or regret for something you’ve actually done wrong is relatively easy to get over (in less serious situations). Admitting your fault and seeing to its resolution usually takes care of the disaster and any accompanying emotions for all concerned.

When the stress comes from outside, the story is different. No matter what anyone says, there is a feeling of helplessness that can’t be avoided or denied. There is no true ability to confess or atone for the wrong. There is only the choice between blaming the other party for doing wrong, or blaming yourself for letting them!!!

Now the tricky part.

Left to ourselves, we will usually make a choice, good or bad. When we choose how to react to a problem, we are almost always governed by emotions. The strongest of those emotions are, unfortunately, depression and anger.

Yes, our old buddies depression and anger are just about the only reason we even know someone has a problem. Left on our own, our most immediate response to being screwed over is quite often anger. A great deal of the time, we make the “good anger” choice by focusing it as discipline at the source of the problem. We do this every time we send a meal back to the kitchen in a restaurant. When we return a defective toy to the store. When the credit card company messes up our bill.

(And of course, some of us go off the deep end, bringing up the basic reason for the concept of “state prisons”.)

In the lesser scenario, though, we almost unanimously support the anger of the aggrieved individual, as it relates to a tangible, material problem. By doing this, we diffuse the anger, and it subsides fairly soon afterwards.

Ah, but there’s the rub. Most of today’s real stresses come from the intangibles – from our dreams, our fears, our hopes and self-confidence, our aspirations, skills and talents. When these are the battlefields, anger is usually ineffective or even more damaging. Now, depression is the obvious choice. Left alone, we will all banish ourselves to the depths of despair.

We don’t want to do this, so we look to our peers and loved ones for help. All too often, though, we do not find the support we seek. We find instead, admonition and criticism. “Well, you shouldn’t have”…”I would never have done that….” “Oh, you’re exaggerating!!!” “Well, that’s your side of it.” And, of course, the king of them all – “There are people ‘homeless, dying, starving, oppressed, etc. [insert your favorite global disaster]‘ so you really have no problem at all!”

As true as any of these may be, when it comes to consoling someone, they simply do more – well, no, only – damage. Belittling the pain does not bring relief, only the desperate feeling of helplessness, and the need to justify. As this dire need is further criticized and dismissed, it grows into anger. Keep in mind, this is not anger at the situation that caused the depression. This is anger at the person sought out for help. In addition to whatever the job, career, relationship, or personal stress that started it all, the poor unfortunate’s heart is now broken by the hopeful healer! This is where, I fear, many suicides come from.

You see, in every case, no matter what, there is a real problem to be solved. An actual transgression, a real frustration, or an obstacle. Something to be overcome. Sometimes you have to dig a little to find it. Many people just blurt it out right from the start. Sometimes it’s too obvious to see. It depends on the original source of the pain.

Relationships are sometimes difficult to help people with, but they are still basically a no-brainer. We accept romantic problems as tangible, and we are rarely anything but supportive.

Likewise, when kids are involved, our tendencies are towards support and resolution. We have an unwritten rule that you can’t go kick a kid in the dream.

You are however, allowed to bash, belittle, vilify, and crush any adult’s dream anytime you wish. Once you grow up, all your dreams, aspirations, skills, talents and plans are targets on the range.

Want to own a chain of restaurants? Support, support, support. Got a problem with the franchise manager screwing you up? Problem to solve, let’s help.

Want to be something a little more intangible, like a musician, actor, writer, or artist? Why? Why? Why? Got a problem with a publication, a club, or a gallery? “Oh, you’re exaggerating!!!” “Well, that’s your side of it.” Made any money at all doing it? Well it’s just play to everyone else, and they think you’d do it for free, so they don’t hesitate to tell you how lucky you are because you do something you love. If you protest any more, they inevitably hit you with the aforementioned “king”.

So meanwhile, “whoever” is still getting away with “whatever”, and our alleged good friend is spiraling ever downward. Especially now, since we don’t hangout too much. After all he/she’s always bummed out or pissed – and that’s no fun.

Their funeral will be a riot, though, won’t it?

OK, that’s harsh. Or is it? We are constantly finding ways to diminish the power of death. We live longer. We die of less diseases. We even die of less injuries than ever before.

But we take our own lives at an alarming and growing rate.

Yeah, it scares me too. It’s probably my greatest fear for humanity. We are evolving at a quickening pace, hitting the gas a little with every new technology. With every mile down the cosmic road, we come closer and closer to being independent of physical labor. Once that threshold is crossed, our dreams, fears, hopes, self-confidence, aspirations, skills and talents will be all we really are.

All the reasons that a soul has to live.

In that future day, with only our spirits or our souls to define us, we will only be able to measure society by the integrity and quality of the intangibles that we as individuals contribute. Our very spirits will be the population. With our bodies efficiently repaired and life extended through modern and future medicine, there will be only one true loss, one crack to slip into.

The death of a soul.

I know, we’re getting religious here. Or are we? Yes, most faiths have some kind of basis in the existence of the soul, some believing it eternal. There is a point where they all agree, though, and that is how the soul manifests itself.

Most would agree that our soul’s face is our personality. But is that all? You know by now that I don’t think so! How we behave, how we carry ourselves, how we treat others, how we react to the way others treat us – this is our soul – who we are.
Right?

Our personality is just the outer shell of our soul.
The inside?

Dreams, fears, hopes, self-confidence, aspirations, skills, and talents.

And now, I suppose you want me to explain all this metaphysical mumbo-jumbo so that it makes actual sense, or you’re going back to the den to watch the ballgame?

Who’s playing?

But, seriously folks (thanks, we’ll be here all week!) It’s really not about any supernatural or cosmically spiritual manifestation of the universal or divine energy or any other highfalutin’ crap I could invent to blame it on. It’s just the one, basic rule, often called the “Golden Rule”.

“He with the gold has the higher tax bracket.”

Oops. Sorry. Scratch that. I really mean the other “Golden Rule”. That one that went on and on about treating others as you would treat – what was it? A dog? A pest? A stone in your path? A fruit tree to harvest? An animal to be slaughtered?

We humans invent a new way to break that law about every 20 seconds, yet still manage to invoke it whenever we’re on the receiving end. Many times, there’s little we can do. One way we can make a difference is in how we console our peers when these emotional disasters strike them.

Simply finish the proverb. Put ‘YOURSELF’ into the equation. Console the way you would want to be consoled if you had exactly their problem as they describe it. Toward that end, I would like to offer a few guidelines that I have learned from dealing with the stress and problems with various folks in my years of teaching, producing and performing.

I call them “Three Bad Things To Bring Up When Someone’s Down”:

1. Don’t say there is no pain.
If you don’t acknowledge the pain or the situation, you will never find out what’s really going on, and you will fix nothing. The more you deny the problem’s existence, the deeper the depression will go, and now you will be negatively attached to it as well. Open the gate. Admit the pain.

2. Never one-up someone when they’re down.
By far, the poorest way to convince someone that you understand their pain is to say you’ve been through it, only worse! This makes only you feel good. The object of your efforts, however, is more depressed, and now empathetic and guilty about your experience. The general feeling created is “I’m unimportant, and my problems aren’t worth solving.” You should withhold such an anecdote, unless it is less severe. Better yet, use those stories as a way to investigate or suggest a solution.

3. Don’t kick anyone in the dream.
This is the big one. Where most damage is done. If a person is depressed about something that you don’t understand, aren’t good at, or don’t like, BIG DEAL!!! It’s not your soul, for crying out loud; so try and help from their point of view! For example, what if you were a musician. What would you want? What would define that dream? Could it be, maybe one of the things you already know about, like, oh, a Platinum Record or a Grammy? Most importantly, you shift your criticism to the support side. Now you’re trying to help figure out how to get one. There’s only a few bars of blues when you do this!

Obviously, I’m talking about some pretty general things here. As a member of the entertainment community, I use a very close example, yet, one which is widely publicized. The “Artist’s Angst” is not new to culture in anyway. No artist, from scribe to sculptor to singer, is validated by their peers until they have achieved the tangible – the Grammy, the Oscar, the Pulitzer – or in many cases, the money!

This holds as true for a man with a better donut recipe as for an aspiring film director. The pain of climbing the mountain comes with the path, but the dream is up that steep, winding road. “Get off the road” is not an answer. Getting up the road is the quest.

So the true test of the Golden Rule comes not of our actions, but our reactions to others. This brings up that other old cliché. And our misuse of it.

“Walk a mile in my shoes” doesn’t mean put them on and walk around your backyard. Maybe we should say, instead, “walk a mile in my footsteps”. In other words, try to imagine going where I have gone, and trying to go where I want to be.

By using these age old rules, we effectively battle depression and all the baggage that comes with it – crime, addiction, abuse, neglect, and yes, thank you, suicide.

We will know we’ve truly grown when we matter-of-fact-ly regard each other as the spirited souls we are, defined by the most important standards in the cosmos.

Dreams, fears, hopes, self-confidence, aspirations, skills, and talents.

 
©2000 Pegwood Arts. All Rights Reserved.
 

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